I was going through a rough time in my first year of college and raggedy is the only chosen word at that time. I need the sparks of joy I could get those days.
Back then, I was strolling around the night with my best friend — called her as my childhood friend, we were passing by that ancient building ‘one of the oldest faculty in the town’.
“you will be there one day,” she said genuinely.
I’ve since been rejected by some other university but still, it’s such a kick in the gut for me. Not until then could those words begin becoming such a curse done to my not-so-really decision. I realized that day, I should not have blamed myself. The shame was the greatest burden of all.
Many days, I try not to waste time because I don’t want to waste myself. I’ve learned through a hard day, after giving up hours of myself and my time.
After a deep breath, sat down, and started to read quietly in my room. I either meditated (sitting in silence) or journaled about what the page made me think of, no allotted length.
Usually, sometime shortly, I would draw a connection and it would make sense as to why I had thought of what I had.
Not a day
Not a few weeks
It did almost a year!
Almost a year, I started to see how the people I was surrounding myself with weren’t very conducive to who and what I wanted to become. I started to realize I was terrific at coming up with ideas but horrible at seeing them through to completion.
I started to understand why I struggled to make friends in a new place, and how closed off I was from the world.
I was feeling rather queer.
Still, I kept with it, woke up early every morning, all to figure out what I’ve come to understand about the things that matter in life, things like joy, resilience, awe, connection, gratitude, and possibility.
Over time, I started to become more and more aware of the new place — which I would have never been dreamed of before about this place.
I was very afraid to talk to people I’d never meet or didn’t know very well at that time. I was terrified to talk to just about anyone.
Once I became of this, I started challenging myself. I would challenge myself to talk to the person who sits beside me. I had a lot of conversations where I probably sounded like an idiot. But slowly and surely, eventually, I tried to be comfortable — and was able to strike up a conversation with certain people.
Once, I learn how to listen to myself and trust myself,
I deserve whatever it is I wish to strive for in life.
but before I can become that best version of me, some simple lessons have to come first. Something else that helped me tremendously is that before I went to bed every night, regardless of whatever I went out, and I talked to myself, said out loud ‘what I appreciated of for that day’
Most people are stuck in life because of fear, either me. Fear of everything outside our safe zones. Sometimes moving on terrified me but always it taught me that the true meaning of courage is to be afraid and then, with my knees knocking, to step out anyway and my mind has a way of rising to the occasion. Making a bold move is the only way to advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for me.
That’s why I must decide that no matter how difficult the path ahead seems, I will try to push past my anxiety and keep on stepping.
There are many tactics, but I can come up with my own. I just keep experimenting with different routines, trying to find something that helps me work on the next piece of myself that needs working on.
There is no right answer to the process of bettering myself. But the one thing, it does require is, consistency. Don’t let myself get tired, overthinking, and hypersensitive. Do whatever it is while I still care — before the next voice creeps in and convinces me why I shouldn’t.
